stuff...

I have about decided that my main enemy in life is stuff. I am just not good at dealing with it. It overwhelms me. The main struggle in my life is prioritizing the stuff in my house, the stuff in my mind, the stuff that gathers as barriers between people I love...my stuff literally overcomes me and causes me to throw up my hands in defeat. Well, I say that. However, I am not easily defeated. The will is there so I never truly give up which is a good thing because otherwise I might just go over the edge and be featured on one of those weird shows that showcase hoarders or something. I guess the stuff in my life is just my battle for now...the one I fight daily to clean out but never really know how far to go.

What I wouldn't give for a little perspective. How nice it would be to get in someone else's shoes and see how they resolve their battles with the stuff that ultimately binds all of us. Well, I am guessing it does. I am sure there are people who manage things a bit tighter than I, who see things a little more black and white, who have a little stronger guidance in the home. Maybe I could learn some things. Like to get rid of the dadgum hand me downs that I don't even like with out feeling overwhelmed by what I am going to do with them, without feeling guilt at the thought of wasting them, or guilt over the person who gave them to me...what in the world is THAT???? These are not blaring ideas inside my mind, just what causes me to avoid things.

Stuff can even come in the form of not reconciling past dreams to present realities...this stuff can pretty much turn a sunny day quite cloudy. Like hanging on to parenting strategies that worked when the kids were little, but don't really work now at their current ages. That sentimentality of what I could do for Owen and Weston that now would only be possible in some sort of time warp, binds me into inaction.

Or the years into a marriage where layers and layers that used to be purged through so much talking and time together are now just fortified by the opposite experiences. Too little time together, too many misunderstandings, too much to do. OK this sounds pretty doom and gloom. And sometimes it is. Pretty darn doomy and gloomy.

But mainly it is not. Mainly it seems to be a time in life to constantly get up, brush off my knees from the dirt and grime that accumulates when I fall...which I do quite often... and start again. I think that's what it's all about. Seeing the good in the stuff, through the stuff and out of the stuff. That's the beauty in human beings...we've got that little spark of hope and endurance and triumph over the barriers that bind. I will continue to give away the crap, keep looking to new strategies that work in both parenting and marriage and look upward for the internal light that keeps me enthused.

Meanwhile, I seem to like thinking about this kind of stuff, talking about it and muddling through it. The stuff will always be here...taking on different forms as my life changes and transforms. And I will keep sorting it, trashing it, wading through it. you name it. Rock on...

Oh yeah, by the way, I am running and I ran 12.34 miles last Saturday WITHOUT STOPPING!!!! Well, that is something I have NEVER done before and it felt good. Not really the running, though even that is not as hard as my mind would have me believe, but what felt really good is the sense of satisfaction of doing something I have never felt good at. I can do it. Next Sunday is my 36th birthday and I plan on running 13.1 miles the day before in prep for my big half marathon at Disney on March 7!!! Wahoooo!!!