Powerful beyond measure...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate – our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” by Marianne Williamson

This is my favorite quote. I read it a long time ago and then couldn't find it but today out of the blue it was on some zen-ish blog that I subscribe to. It is so me. I tend to get quite anxious at times and a little obsessive about worrying...usually about simple, illogical things that totally distract me from the time at hand and thrust me into an uncertain future. I was told one time that it was generalized anxiety disorder which meant that my panic episodes were basically beyond my control. That was a reassuring one.

I recently have aligned these worried times in my life to periods of stagnation. Doing lots of things, none really personally stimulating...maybe more like none really individual to my own personal accomplishments. I am going through the motions of Mom, wife, etc...all very important tasks and special to my heart, but I am failing to do anything that puts me out there. I recently decided in my pursuit to just get myself figured out that I would revisit a therapist. And she asked me a very important question..." If you were on a plane all by yourself flying to a far away place and your next door seat neighbor asked you to tell about yourself, what would you say?" She was trying to get me to realize that there was very little in my life that I could claim on my own. And she was right in a way. My first things to share would be about my kids and what they are like and do...and of course I could share about my chickens and my running, my reading of deep stuff like Thomas Merton and the like. So looking at it from that perspective I do a lot. At first, I thought "wow! I really don't have my own identity. I need to do something personally fulfilling." She even suggested going back to school to be guess what??? A marriage and family therapist of all things! Funny, but I have thought about that quite a bit even before her suggestion. But after thinking about going back to school and looking at the daunting task of taking the GRE, going through the application process and financial aid...then on to the logistics of someone keeping the kids two nights a week, juggling it all, etc...I ALMOST shrinked back in my shell, grabbing onto my precious accomplishments like my half-marathon and my garden and my deep reading and my thinking like a crazy obsessed hypochondriac...when it started hitting me. It's not that I don't do things. I do lots. I love life (which is another of her questions), I really love life. I am so hopeful and energetic and even sometimes fun. It's not even that I don't have gratitude.

You know what my problem is? I do it all in a box. In the safety of my home with my family, in my back yard. I think what I am missing is the "Out there, risking myself in an environment that is not my own" kind of experiences. I am naturally a pretty shy, introverted type person. So being a home maker doesn't force me out there. When I was in school I was forced out there by the nature of being out there. But now I am in here. And sure, I can be PTC president, but I don't really care about that. And I can chair a committee at church, but I don't really care about that. It just seems like in those capacities there is always someone waiting who is more vocal and "busier" than me who really WANTS the job, so my point of view is to give it to them...happily. I really don't "need" anything other that a platform of my own. Just a place to be heard, get a little feedback and rebuild my confidence "out there". When I think about it that way, the panic ridden obsessive voices of my intricate psychology subside. I think those voices just might be my warning whispers when my life is a little out of balance. And this time I am going to listen.

I think it took until now. These periods of what I call my "psychology" started after the birth of Weston, continued after the birth of Miles and have constantly peeped their heads ever since. But they are good voices...indicators of something else. The first therapist who wanted to label them and medicate them was just my first indication that it was something deeper. This time the new therapist was telling me something I really already knew. I just didn't have the confidence yet to act on it. When she suggested Therapy...I looked at her like she was crazy and told her I had thought about that lots of times but thought I was too crazy myself. Then she told me something I already knew again. She told me that I am not crazy. or messed up. or weird. I do know these things, but it is nice to have an almost complete stranger tell them to me.

It kind of makes me think of Tom Hanks in that movie where he is stranded on the island. I think being a stay at home can kind of be like that to some of us. Like being stranded on an island. It's a great island, and my kids are much more company than a volleyball, but there is still something missing. And Moms can guilt themselves for years over wanting to escape sometimes because Lord knows there is enough on the island to keep them busy and even enough on the island to entertain and humor them. But sometimes I think we just need the confirmation that we can build the boat we need with the tools we have to escape if we need to. That's the little bit of the confidence boost we need. And that is enough.

So many things in this world come into my head that fill it with ideas of inadequacies blah, blah, blah! But I am gonna dive in. I am not going to compromise my greatness for a bunch of puny fears of being inadequate. Wish me luck!;o)