Well, it's already November. Wow! We are having a beautiful Fall. The leaves are actually colorful, the weather is cool and the kids are in school. All wonderful attributes to this season. As I stay at home for my tenth year of parenting, I realize that despite the routines of my day, I am in an absolute lack of knowledge of what I am doing. Maybe I 'know" less now than ever. That's a doozy. I often expect myself to be perfected in my life of mom, wife and woman. The traditional (and quite blessed, might I add) Mom of 4 beautiful, smart children. The driver of a spiffy 2008 Honda Oddyssey. The caretaker of a perfect suburban masterpiece of a home. But despite it all, my brain is quite bored.
Now the kids are always a thrill. I say that honestly. Watching Alice grow and nursing her in her footy pajamas while it drizzles a cold wet rain outside is absolute bliss. Even watching a Spongebob episode for the millionth time and discussing it's life meaning with my now 4 year old Miles is an absolute trip. Even keeping up with the spelling words of an always energetic Weston is a lesson in why running on the treadmill is vital to my success as a Mom. And especially the challenges of ten year old Owen who lives in his own world 200% of the time, yet seems to know everything about how the real world should be run, reminds me constantly that even as my kids get older they need me more than ever.
All this said, it seems the struggle for me comes in deciding how to deal with the practicality of managing this lfestyle with the reality that it's my life too and I want an interesting one. Seems every 5 years or so I ride this wave of restlessness that takes me somewhere different. It wells up from the inside and comes rushing out of my heart. It's made me quite anxious several times as I fought it fierecly. Pretty futile when thinking about actually trying to stop a wave of water from rushing in on the sandy beach. It just can't happen. It's like I want change. I want to show my kids the world! I want to dream and follow the dreams I come up with! I want to LIVE and BREATHE and MOVE and CHANGE. But all the while my idealistic thoughts are taking shape, the realities of the world line up outside my door and tell me how much money I need to make these things real and how I need a nice backyard for the kids and how the kids need a stable school life.
You may ask, how radical are your dreams? Well, not really. But those darn annoying realities line up just the same. For example, I found a house in the midtown section of Macon. Beautiful really. Perfect maybe. Everything that I would dream of in a house and it's just a house anyway. But maybe the neighborhood is not as safe. Maybe the backyard is not as big. The whole school situation would have to change. It's really old, so what would that be like? I guess my question is "How do you know when it's OK to make a change without knowing how it will all play out ahead of time? How do you know when to take a risk when you have 4 kids in tow? How do you trust in God's providence when all you hear is practical parenting?" Seems silly really, but it's these everyday scenarios that I struggle with. Making little decisions to temporarily appease the big ones seems to be my regular line of defense. Growing up. I admire the people who just don't think about things so much!
This awesome house...Click Here...
